Grief

This past week has been hard for me.

I am selfish.
I've been acting as if I'm the only one that's
lost. I hold a monopoly on the pain.
No one loved her more.
I'm wrong.
My father lost a best friend and lover of 38 years.
My brother lost his mother.
My children lost their grandmother.
My husband lost his mother-in-law.
My aunt lost a niece.
My grandmother lost her daughter.
We have all lost.
I've been selfish. I've been holding on to something
that I cannot change. I've been trying to go back
to before. I really liked before.
I never wanted my life to change. I really liked my life.
I wanted to watch my parents grow old. I wanted to
talk with my Mom about my kids and share with
her my life.
I have had to let that go. I'm watching my father's life
move forward. I am happy for him, sad for me,
happy for him.
I have watched my daughter grieve this week.
She's been giving me all sorts of pictures of
her and Oma. She's been working through her
grief. There has been nothing harder
than watching my children hurt. I've wanted to protect them
so much. I hate to see their tears, to hear their questions,
to feel their pain. I want to fix it for them, bring my Mom back,
take away their hurt. I think of my Father in Heaven.
How He must feel as He sees me hurt, us hurt.
How He must want so much to take the pain away.
There is a song by JJ Heller, it's one of my favorites.
It talks about God hating to see us cry. How one
day, He will make all things right.
I know He will.
I know that He walks with me and before me.
He holds our future in His hands. He carries our tears.
He is my Father, the healer.
His love is never ending. He holds me.
I am so thankful that He knows the words I cannot
speak. He heals my grief, our grief, and
gives us all the strength to move on.