Gotta Love a Toddler

This morning, he spilled some milk on

the table.
His clean up solution, potholders.
This is what I saw when I turned around.
Gotta love a toddler.

Grief

This past week has been hard for me.

I am selfish.
I've been acting as if I'm the only one that's
lost. I hold a monopoly on the pain.
No one loved her more.
I'm wrong.
My father lost a best friend and lover of 38 years.
My brother lost his mother.
My children lost their grandmother.
My husband lost his mother-in-law.
My aunt lost a niece.
My grandmother lost her daughter.
We have all lost.
I've been selfish. I've been holding on to something
that I cannot change. I've been trying to go back
to before. I really liked before.
I never wanted my life to change. I really liked my life.
I wanted to watch my parents grow old. I wanted to
talk with my Mom about my kids and share with
her my life.
I have had to let that go. I'm watching my father's life
move forward. I am happy for him, sad for me,
happy for him.
I have watched my daughter grieve this week.
She's been giving me all sorts of pictures of
her and Oma. She's been working through her
grief. There has been nothing harder
than watching my children hurt. I've wanted to protect them
so much. I hate to see their tears, to hear their questions,
to feel their pain. I want to fix it for them, bring my Mom back,
take away their hurt. I think of my Father in Heaven.
How He must feel as He sees me hurt, us hurt.
How He must want so much to take the pain away.
There is a song by JJ Heller, it's one of my favorites.
It talks about God hating to see us cry. How one
day, He will make all things right.
I know He will.
I know that He walks with me and before me.
He holds our future in His hands. He carries our tears.
He is my Father, the healer.
His love is never ending. He holds me.
I am so thankful that He knows the words I cannot
speak. He heals my grief, our grief, and
gives us all the strength to move on.

Snow Day!

Finally, we got SNOW!
So beautiful!

I am so thankful for my sweet

husband.

He spent the morning shoveling us out.

I got to stay in the warm house

enjoying the beauty of the day!

Everyone Do the Dinosaur

Yesterday, the kids were paleontologists.

Just for the day.
We had a very fun time at the zoo learning
about dinosaurs.

The teacher, Brianne, did a great job getting

the kids interested and keeping them

busy as we studied dinosaurs.

One of the best parts about the zoo class

are the educational animals.

The kids get lots of hands on

experiences.

By far, the biggest thrill was the

baby alligator.

The kids got to pet him

and learn about him.

They also learned how parts

of him are like dinosaur parts.

After lots of animal fun, there was a table

activity. Everyone had their own cups of hardened

plaster. They chipped and dug and cut

away layers of dirt and plaster to

reveal a little surprise inside.

It was a very fun morning for all of us.

I wonder if the time inspired any future

plans for paleontology (the study of dinosaurs).

There Are Days

There are days when it's so easy

for me to wake up, get moving, and enjoy

the things of this life. Then there

are days when all I want to do is

be in heaven.

I must confess, I don't have a death wish,

I'm not suicidal, I just want to be with my Mom.

I want to tell her about everything that's happened

since she's been gone. I want to tell her about the kids.
One of my Mother's greatest joys was being a grandmother.

She loved my kids, and she loved to listen to me

talk about the kids.

When P. and Baby D. joined our family my

Mom embraced them as if they were her own

grand babies.

She staid at our house one weekend so that I could get some sleep.

She woke up all night to take care of the baby.

She loved being able to do that.

When Jon and I made the decision to have the boys removed

from our home, it broke her heart as much as it did ours.

She loved those boys so very much. Nothing made her

happier than knowing that Jon and I still got to see them.

During her last year of life, the boys' foster mother offered to bring them

to see my Mom. My sweet mother didn't want them to be sad, or worried, or scared.

As much as she may have wanted to see them, she didn't.

If I could go to heaven, I would talk on and on about having

four kids again. I would tell her how big

the boys are. I would tell her how happy the kids are

to be together because blood alone doesn't make you siblings.

I would tell her how much I love her.

I would thank her for raising me to have the strength and courage to wake up every

day, even when I don't want to.

I would thank her for giving me the desire to be a mother.

It Never Ends

More kids means more laundry.

It seems like it never ends.

Our washing machine and drier deserve

an award. I know what we'll be doing

this weekend.

Hairdo's and Zoos

After fixing Doodles hair,
Baby D. decided he wanted his done too.

After a morning of Hairdo's,

we went to the zoo

with Papa.

Despite the snow,

a good time

was had by all.

Especially Papa.

After all of the hiking through the snow,

he took ALL of us out for lunch

at Taco Bell.

What fun!